Hello Der-

Meet me by the botanical gardens, ur ded. Long time no see huh? Spacegoat Nation is

thriving- the questions have been flooding in! If your question did not get chosen, I apologize. But don’t get discouraged, the alarming popularity of the Bag of Tricks ensures that there will be another Bag next week. You have Benny Boy’s word. Before we get to the questions I’d like to put a disclaimer out there: I like to keep out as many names as possible so every reader can understand the hilarity of the question/answers- but this could not be avoided in a few of the questions. So if you don’t know who we are talking about at times, Tough Shit and if you do it’s gonna be that much funnier. With that being said- Let’s get right to it-

Q: What up Benny Boy- How long will Klinker continue living with Mark and Jean (his parents)?

Interested Party,

Zach Heisey

Venice Beach, CA

Zach- Nice question. Short and sweet. I know many of our readers are involved in some sort of gambling activity on daily or semi-daily basis. So I decided to make this question appeal specifically to this group. Using statistics and percentages I have created a prop sheet to answer this question. I have also faxed, mailed, hand delivered, texted, or e-mailed it to local casinos, bookies, and sports books.

*I will take any and all bets.

*$100 minimum wager.

*Must pre-pay.

*John must stay moved out for at least 6 months for bet to be considered a winner.

Q: Dear Benny Boy-

Does Justin Leming take fashion advice from Lupe Fiasco?

Last Saturday, Sept. 26th, I attended a Nebraska vs LA-Lafayette football game in Lincoln. The all-day event was truly one for the books. The day began with Leming telling me to "pull your socks down, dude. You look like an old man." Astonished, I looked down at my socks, quarter length in cut, completely unaware of the lack of style they apparently presented. Keep in mind that I was wearing a #33 red tee in commemoration of the 300th sellout, and with Matt O'Hanlon's number on your jersey, I think it is safe to say you aren't going to the game in an attempt to pick up any females and/or impress anybody. In fact, it was quite the contrary when I proceeded to have negative comments thrown my way via supposed husker faithful regarding O'Hanlon's lack of ability to make plays. I received ridicule all evening from memorial stadium attendees as well as downtown drunken specs.

I had to remind Leming of two things: 1) I am a grown ass man, 26 years of age, who is rapidly balding and overweight. I do not attend husker games with high-profile fashion techniques in mind. (I did not add this, but my career "getting ass" stats completely destroy his even in my worst of slumps. 2) Leming wears jeans that are as tight as the speedos that hug against Micheal Phelps' ballsack. He also screamed in a high pitch voice when we were walking to the game "Dude! I'm not walking through those woodchips with these premium forces!" (referring to his kicks of course) While Leming's forces were indeed quality, the woodchips were dry, safe, and ready for walking. He also proceeded to wear these "premium forces" downtown that evening, where he inevitably got so shitfaced that he ended the evening walking home all the way to 45th and L in them. Thatta way to keep those forces "premium," leming.... The most hilarious aspect of this entire story is the ideology behind the fact that NOBODY is surprised about this nor does anyone find this walk home humorous. Why? Because Leming holds his liquor like a 12 year old boy (as well as physically looks like one) and we have all become used to these types of scenarios.

In closing, I think that Leming is taking is clothing advice from P'Allen Stinnett. He'll likely start wearing his fitted cap bills pulled upwards and wear grip tape skating shoes before we know it. Affliction shirts might be next. Leming, if any of your clothes, specifically shirts, don't fit anymore, please let me know. The goodwill is a waste when I have as many cousins as I do under the age of 12 that could use them. At least they'd look proportional in repping them.

Thanks,

Bob

Bellevue, NE

Thank you Bob for your, um…question? Actually hold on- It was not a question at all. But it was humorous and I can provide some additional points/advice to some of the situations that you brought up:

1) While tube socks do make you look like an old man, they have now become shockingly popular among the African-American community

2) Anyone wearing a Matt O’Hanlon jersey deserves to get ridiculed and/or beat up.

3) Forces, Jordans, or any other high priced foot wear should never be subjected to unfavorable weather and/or long walks. Wood chips might be pushing it.

4) Tight Jeans, although becoming more and more increasingly popular, will never- I repeat NEVER, be rocked by Benny Boy

5) The tighter the shirt the lower self-esteem of the individual wearing it.

6) Your many references to 12 year old boys kind of weirded me out and made me have second thoughts about whether or not I should publish your question. I then looked up your record (I have a buddy on the force) and turns out your clean.

7) And last, but not least, Benny Boy fully supports the donation of clothing and/or products to Goodwill Industries.

Q: Benny Boy- I was wondering who is more overrated- The current Miami football team, Stifler’s Mom, or Germans at Octoberfest?

Thanks,

Pat

Omaha, NE

Wow Pat what a random question! But I will admit I am slightly intrigued. Actually intrigued enough to give you a 3 part rating scale on Overratedness. “Benny Boy I just went to Webster.com and realized that Overratedness is not a word!” Well Bitch it is now. Whatever gets published in Benny Boy’s Blog becomes word. So deal with it.

On with the scale:

Tier 3-Slightly Overrated

This occurs when followers of the sport or genre really start to overrate the quality of an individual, show, or event. It does not become mainstream and usually remains on obscure internet sites or talk shows. Examples include:

Rex Burkhead, Hung, UNO Football, and Café Lattes.

Tier 2- Mainstream Overrated

This occurs when the general public starts to pick up on the popularity of items and therefore makes them highly overrated. It doesn’t hit everyone thus keeping the overrated items from venturing into tier 1. Miami’s current football team fits this bill. Raise your hand if you loved the fact that they were 2.5 point favorites over VaTech on Saturday?? Thought so. Also what is the deal with everyone thinking they are German? How has this become in vogue? Weren’t they partly responsible for killing like 40 million jews? (It’s okay I’m German- I told u everyone is!) Tom Cruise was even a German with an American accent. So yes, Germans at Octoberfest are in Tier 2. Other examples include:

Yogurt, Tyra Banks, Big 12 quarterbacks, Soulja Boy, Real World, and Roofies.

Tier 1- Your Mom has heard of it Overrated

This occurs when your Mom casually mentions an item in question during conversation. If you are confused about whether or not you should wear your Tony Romo jersey out- just ask your Mom- and if she has heard of him (she has) than that jersey has reached Tier 1. Stifler’s Mom or the entire premise of American Pie definitely falls into Tier 1. Other examples include:

Eminem, The Office, 24 hour fitness, Family Guy, Tim Tebow, Yoga, and Bud light lime.

Q; What up Benny Boy- I got a question for you. How come everytime I drink 40oz vodka cranberries (they were only $8 last weekend) do I end up dancing to Polka music with 50 year old women?

Much Appreciated,

‘Big A’

Omaha, NE

Big A- Do not worry, you are not the only person that this phenomena happens to. In fact, in a recent study that I conducted I found out that this is a monthly occurrence in 89% of males under the age of 40. But we still don’t know the reason. Until now. I have developed an ‘Amount to Awareness’ (ATA) ratio. The ATA ratio can occur on 4 stages:

ATA¹ (Amount to Appearance):

This stage has positive-negative correlation (↑ ↓). Meaning the more alcohol you consume ↑ the uglier the women you are pursuing become ↓. Example:

“Dude I drank like a case of Busch before the game even started! The next thing I knew I was waking up to Jodie Foster’s twin sister.”

ATA² (Amount to Age):

This stage has a positive-neutral correlation (↑↔). Unlike the previous stage, ATA² doesn’t always end bad, but in the case of Big A, it did. This stage refers to the more liquor you consume ↑, the older the woman becomes ↔. I will give you a good example and a bad example, you can figure out which is which:

“I was downing 40oz cranberry and vodkas last night and all of a sudden I find myself doing the Polka with 65 year old women!”

or

“I had like 8 shots of Crown at the bar and then Boom- I’m making out with this hot ass mom in front of everyone! She said she was 38!!!”

ATA³ (Amount to Amount):

This stage has a positive-positive (↑↑) correlation. The correlation is very misleading. Although it has a name of positive-positive the results are actually negative. This stage refers to the longer you drink (↑) the larger the women become (↑). For instance:

“Bro I started drinking at like 9:30 in the morning. The next morning I found a 38DD bra in my bed and I was stoked! Until my boys told me left with Shamoo.”

ATA4 (Amount to Anus):

This stage also has a negative-neutral correlation (↓↔). Just like stage 2 this stage does not always end badly. It refers to the more amounts of alcohol you mix- leading to the act of backdoor entry. I will once again provide you with a bad and good, in that order:

“Dude I was taking shots of everclear after every jack and coke. I took this hot ass chick home and she said she wanted to get freaky…So I bought some KY and one thing led to another…”

Or

(To your Therapist) “Hey doc the other night I got pretty hammered off a drink I like to call the Tsunami. It is a mixture of gin, tequila, and rum. I ended up going home with a girl and she convinced me of ‘using the trap door’. Let’s just say my bed is now stained beyond repair and have been having nightmares on the couch ever since.”

Once again- Thank You Spacegoat nation for all your questions, thoughts, and stories. I hope I could be of some assistance—wait who am I kidding?? Of course I was. This thing is gonna become bigger than Dear Abby. That’s about all the time I got. I have to get to the sportsbook and put in my wager on Klinker.

Hello Der,

Benny Boy

WHAT GARZA IS CURRENTLY WATCHING:

Star Wars: Double Trilogy

BENNY’S BAG OF TRICKS

Hello Der-

Don’t tell Nate Thiele, he will kill me into a million pieces. Tired of using the magic 8 ball to figure out all your problems? Or Calling 1-800-1ADVICE at $4.95/min to help lead you to the path of enlightenment? Or what about faking tell tale signs of depression just to receive a free psychiatric session? If so, you are in luck. I am here today to answer all of your questions, be it sports, geography, male impotence, whatever! Any and all subjects will be covered. With that being said, Let’s get right to it-

Q: Benny Boy–  As you may or may not be aware, I currently reside in Dallas. Now when speaking to some of the local co-eds, it inevitably comes up that I am not from here/there (depending on where your reading this from.) Now when I respond, proudly I might add, that I hail from Nebraska, the response I receive can generally be broken down into 3 different categories/groups, yet all filtering into one common result…..unimpressed.

-First, the group that has not heard of this vast wasteland known as Nebraska (it must be noted that I gave up responding with Omaha, as that stood no fightin chance.)

-Second, there is that group that has heard of it, but just isn’t quite sure where to find it on a map. I have received responses that have hinted at Nebraska being found in the mountains, on the east coast, and “up near Canada, right?”

-Third, individuals who are quite aware of Nebraska’s location/reputation/demographics, leaving them thus…..unimpressed

Now, finally my question to you is, out of the 50 states, where would saying that your from Nebraska, to a local, rank with the possibility of them being impressed and/or intrigued? For example, me telling some broad from New York that I am from Nebraska, suddenly I am not as intriguing. Now, me telling some broad from North Dakota that I am from Nebraska, and let the box smashin commence. Now, this is obviously a hypothetical question as I fully understand that not everyone isn’t quite as shallow as, lets say….me, but where do we (Nebraskans) fall?

Yours truly,

Jadeyboy,

Dallas, TX

Jadeyboy-

Thank you for your question. I like how you had 3 tiers for Nebraska and I also like how box smashing was your main influence for wanting to receive an answer from me. I’ll tell you what I’ve done; I have taken this question one step further and made a pyramid of the 50 states. Now keep in mind these levels are based on the presumption that you would be talking to an attractive girl with a below average intelligence who resides in a large state, usually a Level 1 State. These rules would not work if you were talking to an obese woman with a 4.0 gpa who lives in Iowa. Of course she would be impressed that you are from Omaha, but a 5’10 blonde, with perfect C cups, from Dallas, who got a 17 on her ACT, and attends UT?? Not so much. So while keeping those stipulations in mind- here goes- .

Level 5- Also known as- The I have no idea where this state is, not sure if it even exists, thank God I am not from there, and am gonna now button my top two buttons so you can no longer see my cleavage level:

ID, SD, ND, MT, WY, IA

If you are from one of these states I would advise moving, but at the very least you have to make up a more attractive state anytime you meet a prospect.

Level 4- Also known as- The I am pretty sure your state exists, will never travel there, and you have no chance of seeing me without clothes on level:

NE, MN, NH, WV, UT, KS, OK, RI, NM, AR, KY, DE, WI, MS, CT, VT

If you reside in one of these states I would also advise coming up with a more attractive state, but if you are too prideful at least follow up the name of your state with something that can boost your chances. For example: “Oh you haven’t heard of NE, its home of the College World Series!” followed by a blank stare. Or “You’ve never been to Minnesota? Its home to 5 of the Great Lakes!” As a drink gets poured on your crotch.

Level 3- Also known as the I have heard of your state, have a general idea of where it is, know someone who once lived there, and if you have a nice car and a decent personality I may bang you level:

OH, MO, MI, IN, PA, ME, VA, NC, SC, AL, TN, AK, OR

These states fit the level 3 billing perfectly. They are better than level 4, but can’t quite get up to level 2. They have a decent location, but no really big cities. But just to be safe say you drive a beamer.

Level 2- Also known as the I would like to vacation there, have vacationed there, and buy me 2 drinks and I am yours level:

NV, WA, GA, LA, MA, IL, MD, CO, NJ

These states are kind of an anomaly. If you just say your state it is not quite better than level 3, but if you say your biggest city you are in. For instance- You would never say you were from Nevada, You would say you were from Las Vegas, Colorado would get you nowhere, but Denver could get you a ski bunny. Saying you are from Illinois would get you slapped up but Chicago would get you wrapped up. And so on.

Level 1- Also known as the I can’t wait to move there, I am jealous you live there, I now consider you better than me, and remind me to take my pill as I will be needing it tonight level:

AZ, TX, FL, HI, NY, CA

Self Explanatory, just know If you are ever in trouble use one of these six to increase your chances of getting laid by 337%.

Q: Dear Benny Boy-

This may be a dumb question- but how come a team always squib or pooch kicks in the last minute ensuring a team receives the ball at the 40?

Kyle Bowman, Co-Founder of Spacegoats

Gretna, NE

Kyle-

Thanks for the question- and yes you are right- this is a very dumb question and quite honestly I would never answer it if you weren’t the owner of the website. I would guess that the reason you are asking this question would be because you have been burned one too many times on a team getting the ball at the 40 with 37 seconds left, throwing two 10 yard outs and then kicking a 57 yard field goal to kill your 3 teamer. Am I right? I thought so. But rather than give you a reason for this inane strategy, I am gonna tackle (pun intended) this question from a different angle. Who came up with the terms ‘Squib’ and ‘Pooch’ anyway?? I say we start calling these kicks ‘Flubs’ or ‘Liners”. But not to worry, those two words will not leave our every day dialect. We can just start using them to describe sexual acts. For instance:

“Hey man, how far did you get with that chick last night?”

“Not too far, I just felt her up and then played with her squib.”

Or

“What did you do with that chick you took home from the bar?”

“Nothing major, we just made out and then I rubbed her pooch a little.”

Q: Hey Benny Boy-

I have a question but I am in more need of advice. Here’s my dilemma- I am in a long distance relationship and whenever my girlfriend comes to visit me I am so excited to see her that I leave her unsatisfied, if you catch my drift. I have tried the ‘stranger” and have even heated up lotion to make a better simulation, but nothing seems to work. Any suggestions on how to increase my stamina?

Need Help,

Justin L.

Dallas, TX

Dear Justin,

Thanks for your question. I would go with the old adage of thinking about baseball; I prefer soccer as it is much more boring. Actually anything boring will get the job done. Some thoughts you might want to try out: CNN, WNBA, Mr. Koenig, current season of Entourage, or any article in the Omaha World Herald.

Dear Benny Boy-

My boyfriend, Let’s call him “Lem”, is a great guy. The only problem is we live 10 hours apart. We talk on the phone everyday and I really do love him, it’s just that…This is hard to say, let alone write, but let’s just say he is quick on the trigger- if you catch my drift. My question is this- Do you have any ideas on what I can do to make him more of an Everlast type battery rather than a Wal-Mart brand battery??

Anxiously awaiting your response,

Marci

Lincoln, NE

Marci-

Sorry to hear about this dilemma. “Lem” sounds like a great guy, and hopefully I can help you out. Thinking from the woman’s perspective here are some things I came up with: If you are past the point of using protection- try that, if you do use protection- try double bagging it. Also, try to be as least audible as possible, just like chimpanzees, men love loud noises and can cause us to get easily excited. And last but not least, just fake it. Yeah, that is pretty much your best option- completely, without shame, flat out faking it. Good luck.

Dear Benny Boy-

All the kids have been raving about your blog. So I decided to come to you with our problem. My son, let’s call him “J”, moved to Dallas about a year ago and his current girlfriend recently confided in me. She told me that he clocks in and out pretty quick, if you catch my drift. I know I am a mother, but this is still not something a mom wants to hear. I was very nervous about telling his dad, but to my surprise he took it pretty well. His father’s response to the news was “At least now we know he’s not gay.” My question to you is this: How do I bring this up to my son without embarrassing him?

Worried and Waiting,

Donna L.

Ralston, NE

Dear Donna-

Wow this is the toughest question I have received so far. I was just gonna throw it away, but I am honored for you to come to me with such a serious matter. I would suggest a couple of things:

1) Next time he comes in town, Hire a couple of exotic dancers to come to the house and give him an hour or so worth of lap dances. If he can make thru the hour- that will help him to boost his confidence.

2) Have him sit down for a man to man with his father. Sounds like his dad is a straight shooter and could really give him a good pep talk. His straightforward nature seems like a guy that would be named “Guy”, “Max”, or “Rocky”. If I am right a man with a name like that can really do some good for a situation like this.

3) I hear they are doing great things in the field of therapy.

Thanks for all your questions. In fact there were so many good ones check back tomorrow for PART 2!! Of Benny’s bag of tricks!!! You read it right; an updated blog will be here tomorrow. What a way to go into the weekend! You should be so lucky. And if a question ever pops in to your head send them anytime to bballben44@yahoo.com .

WHAT GARZA IS CURRENTLY WATCHING:
Roll Bounce: Director’s Cut